No one wants to be a member of child-loss!
Welcome to my blog! I'm so excited! Here's where I spill all the beans. So this post will be a little lengthy. Sorry, but it's my first post and foundation of my new site. I wanted to make some points BOLD and CLEAR. Thanks again for visiting and I hope that you find it a great read!
Let's start here, "I'm a mourning mom and I will always mourn the death of my son. However, I will NEVER give it the opportunity to kill me"!
"I’ve concluded that understanding is not always meant to be understood, could is not always the way you think it should, and living sacrifices should not always be viewed as major crisis".
It was spring, March to be exact, when I found out there was a sweet child growing on the inside of me. I was afraid yet excited to take on this drastic change into motherhood. I never thought I would become a mom so young, but then again not fully thinking is what brought me into this situation. Each day became a new experience as I watched my belly stretch and become round and tight. Not being able to properly sweep the floor was the assurance that this was by far much more. More than I could image, that is. Heartburn and I became quite the friends to each other as I grasp for air by night. I found it difficult to wash my hair and my back became one with my hips and thighs. That round tip of my nose spread to the point of no return and the rising of my cheeks still bring me to haunting memories. All of these things seem like they were the worst possible but they made me even more curious to see the guy behind the change.
As though things weren’t already enough, I was about to enter into a crisis like never before. Little did I know, my pregnancy was about to travel on a road of pure darkness. This darkness I’m speaking of was a never ending drama filled feast. A feast in which I wasn’t warned of or knew how to properly handle. For I was about to deal with the harsh reality of family. I know you maybe puzzled so let me explain. Family is defined as a specific group of people that make up partners, parents, children, aunts, uncles, cousins, and in-laws. Typically, the members within the family tend to love and support each other for their growing efforts. This surely wasn’t the case for me. Just as always I was singled out and criticized. Even though my unborn child had nothing to do with this, he was a part of me so he was hated from the very second of conception. You see, I thought that my son was a blessing but not all viewed him this way. The thought of me giving birth seem to upset a few people and they were sure to express it throughout the entire pregnancy.
"Clueless to the fact, but this conversation would be the molding structure of my life".
On one particular morning, I was awaken by a phone call. Clueless to the fact, but this conversation would be the molding structure of my life. I was awaken by a raging voice constantly screaming every negative and degrading word possible. The reality of what was being said was overwhelming. To avoid listening to this toxic, I immediately disconnected the call. Within seconds, she repeatedly dialed my number. I then took it upon myself to completely turn the device off. After about fifteen minutes later, I power my device back up only to find a voice message. Although I wasn’t expecting it to be anything positive, I definitely wasn’t expecting to hear an earful of threats about terminating the life of me and my unborn. I had already dealt with this issue seven and a half months, which was the term within my pregnancy, and this was by far the drawing line. Being an adult, I find it unrealistic that a young lady and mother can even get to a level of disrespect to hurt or harm an unborn child. Especially, to a child that is her very own family member. Even so, I rose in rage and the anger in my body flowed throughout my veins like loose water in a garden hose. Just as most women do, I called my mom and she immediately came to my rescue. Shortly after, I became very ill. I was rushed to the local hospital in which I was misdiagnosed. Luckily, I was released on a Saturday and had an appointment with my doctor on that following Monday.
Monday morning as I strolled into the clinic the nurse begin her procedures. As she begin taking my blood pressure she notice that something wasn’t quite right. She then immediately call doctors to discuss what she saw. As they all huddle around me, I feared something was terribly wrong. Soon after I found myself being admitted to the ER for emergency delivery. My blood pressure was sky-high and both my unborn and I were at risk of losing our lives again.
"Our vibe together was beyond mother and child it was a signature bond".
On Oct. 10, 2006, you appeared. My first glance startled me a bit. It hit me that I was finally a mother. Tylan Neil Baskin, the first born for the both of us, weighting in at 5lbs 6oz. Quite amazing, he was almost the same exact size as I when my mother birthed me. My little Neil you were the most precious gift and nothing else was equal to your worth. Your beady eyes were locked in with mines and the grip of your fragile little fingers were tightly wrap around my hand. I watched you as you slept, in admiration and the tears constantly fell as I wept. Joyful tears because you made me feel so complete. The huge nose, red feet, and sixty pounds of extra meat attached to my body was all worth your little heartbeat. As we laid closely beside each other, I was ecstatic to discover that the rhythm of our heartbeats were in sync. You were so unique. I knew that motherhood was a new experience that I never felt but this always felt like much more. Your spirit was so different...I felt it from day one. Our vibe together was beyond mother and child it was a signature bond.
"It has taken me years to forgive, but I couldn’t let my heart be condemned".
Although, today I'm no longer guided by your presence, when I’m connected to God I still feel you near. It's starting to be a revelation to me that you’re the driving force of my spirituality. At first I didn’t understand the full purpose in you not being here, but I do understand that I must keep my sanity by becoming one with my bible. I thought my job was to love and guild you but you were sent here to love and guild me. He gave me you for one and a half years knowing that I would long for much more. Taking you was collateral for what he has for me in store. Oh...what I would do to hear my sweet baby boy voice say "Mommy".
You never fully understand why you have to go through what you do, but sometimes the ultimate goal is for God to revive you. Just think, I almost questioned Him about my baby. It's amazing how we tend to question God's ability, but accept the science behind lies of humanity. I’ve concluded that understanding is not always meant to be understood, could is not always the way you think it should, and living sacrifices should not always be viewed as major crisis. It has taken me years to forgive, but I couldn’t let my heart be condemned. So I’ll let it all go, but I want the world to know. That bitter ball of hate that she threw my way, is going to haunt her deep while I’m smiling and well on my way. I have found peace within my struggles, humbleness within my heart, and while love conquers all, I’m delivering my story in parts.